I’m so pissed off at my self right now. Whats WRONG with me?!! I should be happy, in fact I should be ecstatic, yet I’ve only been feeling like shit the last couple of days.
I’ve been doing some soul searching and I cant find one single valid reason why I feel like this except that I think too much. I hate to admit it but I care what people think. I wish I didn’t.
I have the annoying habit of never letting anyone know when I’m not feeling well. I’m the happy girl that’s always there for you, the steady shoulder to cry on. Paradoxically, however, I’m also the girl who forcefully hides her own emotions & problems because she dont want to be a burden.
The thought of showing my sadness, fear or loneliness to someone is absolutely terrifying but ironically I admire people who do. When friends cry or tell me how they really feel I see it as a sign of character and most of all strength, I feel blessed that they showed that part of their self to me.. but when I do it? I feel that It’s a sign of weakness.
Of course I know it’s not really weakness, it’s most likely a fear of rejection but even though I understand it and know why I do it I cant seem to stop hiding my emotions behind a fake smile and witty comment.
I stumble and fall and it HURTS: The pain is hidden behind an extreme embarrassment that people actually saw me in that awkward position. and I joke it off and “lick my wounds” when I’m alone.
The guy never called back: I’m super nice and pretend I dont care at all because I dont want to be one of those pathetic girls who chases after some guy that’s not interested.. (Even though I was hurt and I secretly wished he would.)
I made a bad decision that ended with something bad happening to me: I dont tell anyone, pretend that everything’s fine, Eat a box of ben and jerrys, spend five minutes feeling sorry for my self and then do my best to fix the problem.
The list could go on for ever.
I think it all comes down to the fact that I have really, really, really high expectations of (on?) my self & I dont want to end up like my mother.. Broke, depressed and die alone. No thank you. I dont want to fail life, I want to keep my integrity intact and prove to my self that I can make it one way or the other. And I dont want to do it by acting like a bitch and telling people off. But.. I know how much people and friends mean to me so the last thing I want to do is scare them away by being a burden or asking for help, you know? I’ll have to practice that part. At least I’m able to write down my emotions, it’s a good start.
Anyway, what I need right now is some time off. Vacation. Chance of scenery, To live life! Rejoice in how far I’ve gotten the last couple of years and just HAVE FUN. I want to surround my self with good, honest, fun people who understand me.
Because one thing is for sure, I really DONT have a reason to feel this sad right now!
- Aloe: What is something that would instantly make you cry at the sight/mention of it?
- Amaranth: If the chance to be immortal is handed to you, would you take it?
- Amaryllis: What incident from the past makes you still beam proudly today?
- Rubus: What is one trait of others that you envy?
- Chrysanthemum: What is one lie that later got you in trouble?
- Canterbury bells : Who is someone you are thankful for having in your life?
- Crocus: Describe a happy memory from your childhood.
- Currant : Describe the person you don't ever want to see sad.
- Dittany: Are you afraid of child labor?
- Freesia: Whose your longest friend?
- Geranium: What is something that you did stupid in the past?
- Hibiscus: Do you value your looks?
- Hollyhock: What is your dream?
- Lavender: What is one thing that immediately loses your trust?
- Lilac: Describe your first love.
- Peony: What pisses you off?
- Tuberose : What's one of your guilty pleasures?
- Yarrow: What is one thing you do to get over someone?
- Statice: What is something about you that will never change?
So, I’ll take this as a “We like the designs and ideas you brought to the table, but we’re going to hire a different nail artist, steal you idea, and take all the credit. THANX”. UGGGHHHHH. Today has been very frustrating for me, I’m sorry my last two posts have been me complaining, but dang. Post from their FB page.
Angela Mercedes Donna Otto actually uses them as the basis for her creative artworks. She randomly pours colored drinks on paper canvases and spends hours contemplating the splotches, looking for familiar shapes Chaotic Splotches of Tea, Coffee and Juice